The Wild Goose Chase of Birdnapper Brown

The name’s Pearl. Blizzard Pearl. She’s called the Snow Goose by those who know and love her. And she likes to fly fast. This blog is about the day the Snow Goose took a high speed flight, and the secret mission to bring her home.  

Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful bird in a far off land known as Stoplight City, where the corn fields shake hands with suburban living. This bird shone with a radiant iridescent glow and so was called Blizzard Pearl. This Snow Goose never asked for much; she was happy to leisurely fly her lady, known as M, wherever M’s heart desired. But Pearl did have one secret longing: she yearned to fly fast. And on one now infamous day, fate would give her that chance…

(…continued from above…) Our story starts over 100 Manic Mondays ago. Ah, Mondays. Are they all manic? This one certainly was. The temperature was cold, but it was sunny with a high of 45. The winter air was brisk, yet cheery. At a quarter after half past 7, the day was still very young. Who knew what was yet in store for this beloved bird? There she was, just sitting in solace near the pond, taking in the sights and sounds without a care in the world. She was waiting to escort her Lady M to her establishment of employment. That’s when Pearl saw him. “Who is that man walking my way? He’s getting closer and looks like he needs something. Well hello, kind sir, how may I be of service to you?” 

“The name’s Brown. Cleveland Brown. And you are?”

“Cleveland Brown?! I’ve heard that name before.” She scrunched her face up deep in thought, but a few moments later came back to her new friend who was waving his hand in front of her face.

“My name’s Pearl. Blizzard Pearl, to be exact. But you may call me the Snow Goose if you’d like. How are you on this fine winter day, Mr. Brown?” What a well-mannered, proper bird she was.

But Mr. Brown didn’t have time for pleasantries. He was on a mission. A rather vague mission. “Well Miss Snow Goose, I have an appointment with my Lord Hender’s son, and I need a ride. Let’s see how fast you can fly!” And with that he climbed aboard the bird. Pearl was ecstatic. “You only live once!” she thought. This was her chance to flap her wings and really go somewhere. Just as she took off, she saw M walking out the door. “Squawk! We forgot M, we have to go back!” But Mr. Brown wasn’t having it. He didn’t know who M was, and he certainly didn’t care. He ordered Miss Snow Goose to fly faster. So she did, leaving M behind in a slightly traumatized state of mind.

A few minutes later, Pearl saw some other birds with blue and red diamond crowns atop their heads. “Ooh pretty, I wonder where these royal birds are going!” she exclaimed. But Mr. Brown wasn’t out for a joy ride, and the flashing diamonds scared the living daylights out of him. “This is no time to die! Fly faster!” he shouted. So she did. She flew south as fast as her wings could carry them. What a dynamic duo they were. The flashing diamonds pursued. “Oh look, they’re following us! How fun!” she gleefully rejoiced. “So this is what a wild goose chase feels like!” Across the state line and racing down the bridge, she was as free as a bird. “No stopping us now!” She really kicked her tail feathers into high gear. She had only dreamt of flying so fast, and now it was finally happening. If a speeding light had been present, it probably would have been flashing a three digit warning at her now daredevil golden eyes. But Pearl had no thought of slowing down; she was willfully disobeying the colorful traffic lights like a big bad bird. She and Mr. Brown were high on life. He may have been high on more than just life, but we’ll never really know.

There they were, flying down the street which bears the color of the go light. And GO they did. Until that fateful moment. Miss Goosey hit a bump in the air. “My wing! I’m hurt!” Mr. Brown wasn’t having it. No stranger to birdnapping, he knew just what to do in an instance like this. He steered her wings during the skyfall onto a rough landing location. Bump! Her pretty white feathers were now covered in mud and grass. “Yuck!” she squawked. “But oh! Those royal birds are coming in for landing! Maybe they’ll help us!” But Mr. Brown again wasn’t having it. He bolted from the bird, away from the flashing blue and red diamonds. “What does he have against them anyway? Oh no, a man has tackled my new friend to the ground!” she exclaimed. “We just wanted to have a little fun! Is he in trouble?” He was definitely in trouble. The distinguished men who had been flying the royal birds searched him for weapons, but Mr. Brown didn’t have any. And he wasn’t having this outcome and so put up such a fight. And lost. Sorry, Mr. Brown. “What do I have to do to get one of those diamond crowns?” Pearl pondered.

Within an hour or so, the noble Sir Martin was escorting Lady M to the land of Hender to acquire the stolen bird, and it was indeed a grand and happy reunion. At this point the reader might be wondering, why did Mr. Brown beckon the Snow Goose to fly south? Unfortunately, all we really know is that he had to meet with Lord Hender’s son. Perhaps he was a relative, or perhaps there were some special magic potions to acquire from him. Pearl hasn’t seen hide nor hair of Mr. Brown since that glorious flight into the land of Lord Hender, nor did she get to meet that heir to the estate. But after she injured her wing, she was indeed glad to be back serving her Lady M, who took her to the bird doctor and nursed her back to health.

What Pearl didn’t know is that while she was out on her wild goose chase, M had called on her majesty’s secret service for an equally fast-moving mission to bring the Snow Goose back from Birdnapper Brown. And when joy ride turned to high speed flight, there was only one man for the job.

“The name’s Bond. James Bond. Anything else we can do, just let us know, M.”

The names in this story have not been changed to protect the innocent or the guilty, but Mr. Brown’s forename has been changed. Yes…this is a true story…my own Snow Goose’s story. You might say this was her swan song from high speed flights. And to think that it was just another Manic Monday in Stoplight City. 700 rounds of thanks to 007…for his calm sense of humor in a very unsettling situation which eventually inspired me to twist this incident into a humorous tale…and to all the amazing secret service agents in this metropolitan area who helped recover my means of transportation. Signing off now on this blue supermoon night, which for some reason sparked a spontaneous midnight writing session regarding this mission…