“I hope they’ll know how hard I tried to live in love, to love in depth, let wonder take away my breath, to give until there’s nothing more, this is what I want to be remembered for. Everything else you can set it on fire.” ~ Colony House
“I want your lips to be the first thing people see when they walk through that door!” my boss exclaimed while we young ladies were gathered around for a staff meeting. I’ll never forget that line or the fire in her voice as long as I live. Think Devil Wears Prada with the southern allure of Dolly Parton. At the time, I was in sales training at a high-end makeup and formal dress store for brides and beauty queens in a large micropolitan area just outside Brad Paisley’s southern comfort zone. I’d always loved makeup and dressing up, but the energetic owners of the store gave a new meaning to my previously held visions of a glam up. Plump, vibrant, impossible-to-resist lips were a requirement. Lips that could sell anything. I won’t deny the power of the right lipstick, but maybe I didn’t want my lips to be the talk of the town. In all FAIRness, I love a bold COLOURPOP. It just seemed VANITY to me regarding what my priority was supposed to be; not a genuine smile, but sales lips. I learned a lot during my time there. About fashion, cosmetics, and the not-so-glamorous side of sales. Life lessons that still resonate and fill me with gratitude many years later…
(…continued from above) About-face. These days I work at an athletic club, where health and fitness goals are being set in motion every day. From day one, I’ve loved it here. I enjoy working in a place where connection is Max Factored into everything we do, and lives are benefiting from it. There is natural beauty in Kinetic energy; you know…bodies adorned with sweat sparkling in the light as muscles are being built over time. Discipline isn’t Glitz n’ Glamour by any means, but it is certainly beautiful. The high-energy environment is an ADDICTION in the best ways. Feeling like there is magic in the air during a yoga or dance class. Watching sixty people playing tennis together across four courts. Walking through the lobby on a Saturday morning and feeling like there must be something special going on, because why would so many people be at the gym this early on their day off work?
Energy. It’s a beautiful unwritten language; a SIXTH SENSE of all that is and all that can be. What will be? We get to decide. That’s exhilarating, and maybe a little bit intimidating. We’re all responsible for the energy we give out every day. I think the energy behind our actions and words matters…in matters of, well…matter. The imagery of our energy going out into the world and making a tangible difference in the lives of everyone we connect with and everyone they connect with…I feel such an aliveness when I think about it. Maybe the effects of our energy live on past our physical existence on this spinning planet; maybe we’ll never really be gone from here. Or Maybe it’s… just a comforting tune I’ve reconstructed in my mind to remind myself that we are each here for a younique purpose beyond ourselves.
Existential dread. I haven’t always possessed this positive outlook. Have I been more afraid of death or of really living? Watching some horrifying end-times movies at a young age caused an obsessive fear of demons and intensified my fear of hell: the epitome of abandonment – a child’s worst nightmare. “What if I somehow get Left Behind in the Apocalypse?” I’d lie awake worrying about death, hell, and demons in the dark; not the best ideas for anyone, especially a child, to ruminate on before a night of R.E.M. Beauty sleep. “I’ll get all the sleep I need when I’m dead,” became my subconscious MANTRA.
An idea had made a home inside my young heart and grew with me. Cue The Conjuring of all the worries, especially in matters concerning eternal Judgment. I became an anxious, serious, and good (AKA: people-pleasing) girl; emotionally independent and haunted by a long train of intrusive thoughts. Over time, fear wreaked HAVOC in my mind. Micro MANIC PANIC attacks, like loose threads, were inconsequential until that frightening day when the fabric of reality started unraveling before my eyes: the anxiety attack that started waking me up from a MONTAGE of negative energy. For so long I didn’t realize how much power I was giving to negative thinking, and how much power I possessed that could have dispelled the AURA of negative energy trapped inside.
During times of anxiety and depression, I often heard the darkness of a devilish whisper, “As passionate as you are, you’d be better off creating a life you’re not afraid to lose. Tone it down…keep the energy low. Kill the joy of your own soul.” Maybe it would be better to not feel too much joy because what if it gets taken away? The disappointment of loss can sometimes feel like being swallowed up by a black hole. But in the end, which scenario is a greater loss…losing or never experiencing that wonder of life at all? Maybe “fear” could be defined as the (URBAN) DECAY of the soul chained up in our own mental hell. Have you ever been trapped there?
iT wasn’t until adulthood that I had words to describe this monstrous fear. It isn’t easy writing about that girl I used to be: the quiet, hyper-vigilant one who knew little about mental health. The young woman I MORPHEd into in my quest for peace, with questions to INFINITY and beyond. The woman in ministry who was told, “Faith isn’t supposed to cause fear; the whole point is love and abundant life. You’re doing it wrong.” Unfortunately, we don’t always receive messages in the way they are intended, especially as children when we don’t yet know how to follow the all the threads that are woven together, trying to sell our minds one cohesive Story. We all process words and ideas through our own cognitive bias. Growing up, I was immersed in a loving community and family who wanted the best for me, who would have attempted to alleviate my fear, had fear not kept me in silence. It’s not that the messages of love and life weren’t present, but the terror of Tribulation had a significant impact on my deeply-feeling mind. The PHENOMENA of negativity bias.
I never thought I’d be brave enough to pin down my emotions (because feelings we don’t understand are so scary, and untangling them seems daunting), let alone BARE my soul and pin it up for people to read about. I did what made sense at the time; altered what could be seen and brushed away the scary feelings into mental closets from which I was too dissociated to organize. I tried to hide behind a painted-on “fake it til you make it smile.” After all, lipstick energy can sell anything…especially the Too Faced persona that says, “I’m fine!” Be perfect as your Father in heaven is perfect. I tried to be the well-put-together girl aiming for Perfection but never measuring up to that Illusion…and not pursuing a balanced lifestyle for my overall health. As I got a little older and wiser, the night owl who was addicted to sugar became desperate for health and fitness. I’d set intense goals for myself and get lost in the energy of exercise to counter-balance the addictive sad thoughts which were like a playlist on repeat.
But aesthetic alterations will only take us so far. It takes more than a glam up or a tone up. It’s a long look into the proverbial VANITY mirror, past the mask and muscles. Hard work through multiple layers and textures of pain within our fragmented hearts. And encouragement along the way from those who love us. Gaining the understanding that the brain is hardwired for negativity has helped me tremendously. We build up our resistance to negative fear-based thoughts with the daily messages we feed our soul. It’s the energy we surround ourselves with. Staying curious, practicing courage, and having faith that we’ll prevail. Movement, consistent healthy habits, and good books. One of my favorite quotes is by James Clear in his book Atomic Habits. “You do not rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems.” That quote is always a gut punch when I read it. Discipline over desperation.
This blog has come after walking through the darkness. I’m so grateful to be in a healthy mindset now and that we live in a time when it’s easier to talk about mental health. The most riveting Revelation I’ve had is this: it’s not that the darkness of your story should be dismissed. You can see it and you can feel it; just don’t become it. ULTA-mately, I think it’s about adjusting our thoughts about our worth and adopting the philosophy of giving ourselves some amazing grace. Our wellness is worth practicing self-care and changing our habits for. Easier said than done, right? But little by little, I have witnessed how power and peace are found when we put in the work. That’s how we disappoint the devil (and our own negative thought cycle) who’s trying to steal our PUR joy, kill our soul, and destroy our life’s purpose. We have one lifetime to get right and make a positive impact here, and before we know it, the HOURGLASS will declare our time is gone. (Don’t blink.) May we be remembered for more than the COLOUR(POP) of our lips or the size of our hips.
In her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, Brené Brown says this: “Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it…Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.” I want to put my energy toward creating (color) chemistry that shakes this world up. To dance, tell stories, Marvel at life, connect with people, find joy in The Ordinary moments, and be a light where I used to feel swallowed up in darkness. Somehow my thoughts always come back to shadows and light, but that’s where the real beauty is. Contouring pain and highlighting hope.
I often hear people say that joining the athletic club saved their life, and I understand that sentiment. We need a foundation of routine and accountability. A REFUGE; a place to belong that’s safe and sound. Sometimes we go through difficult seasons, and we need to know our stories matter. Connection is the essence of life; I think we’re here on this earth to perpetuate the beauty of love. To bring heaven to this earthly existence like that REVOLUTIONary itinerant preacher did some 2,000 years ago. Loving one another is still VOGUE. Sew…I’m not going to stop clicking up my red high heels and EXPRESSing the passion flowing beyond skin-deep for this place we call home. Our energy can live on if we have the courage to let kindness burst out for the world to feel. Imagine glimmers of our magic continuing somewhere in the universe. In the words of the great Relient K, in another life who knows what we’ll become…
It’s late at night…in the silence…and I’m reflecting on some words I wrote on the mirror with some tarte lipstick. The words had good intentions before sunset, but now with the shadows involved, it may be an Insidious message. “DISCIPLINE. Just do it, or you might die.” Oh the horror. I’m clearly not practicing discipline whilst writing long past The Midnight. The ensuing paradox tells me it’s high time I stop sleeping on sleep. Maybe I’m in an extra-reflective state of mind because I just finished reading JLo’s memoir, and it was so good. This is me now, sharing words of comfort and peace with my younger self. Writing this is a Rejuva-nation of the mind and a cleansing of the soul. I hope sharing this is an encouragement to you also. Thanks goes to some people in my life and some authors, musicians, and beauty brands who all unknowingly contributed to this blog in some way, shape, or form.
Blue Moon Muse 