Trapped

“A writer is a world trapped inside a person.” ~ Victor Hugo

Those words resonate deep within my soul tonight. It’s relatively uncomplicated for the words to flow, but not so easy to actually open the door to share what’s inside. Will I be understood? A certain level of angst endures. Better to protect my inner world when it feels like the world is closing in. Such is the plight for this introvert. However, I just got out of a trap yoga class, and the novelty of it has placed me in a reflective frame of mind.

Rewind to a certain memory which is often involuntarily on replay…

Alone in a dimly lit room, I reach for the latch on an old wooden door. Much to my bewilderment, it doesn’t budge. Adrenaline rush. My first thought is to spiral into many catastrophic thoughts. I’m trapped, and I will never get out of here. Reality check: I’m six years old, and the lock is jammed in a bathroom stall at school. It’s not life or death. Looking back at it now, I’m slightly amused at my younger self, but I also have empathy for that little girl. That brief moment is the first recollection I have of experiencing a panic attack. Many factors can set off an alarm for perceived entrapment, but maybe this memory is why I have such a prevailing fear of feeling trapped.

Fast forward to another memory constantly on repeat…

Closing doors will change your life. After I had recently closed one door (metaphorically speaking), I was reaching to close another door (literally this time) when…POP! Never could I have imagined the impact of that day. I first thought it was a minor back injury, but four years later, I’m still recovering. Anger and frustration have ensued with thoughts like, I’m trapped in debilitating pain, and I will never heal. But over time, I’ve learned that healing is a process, and saying I’ll never heal just confirms it. What’s so riveting to me is the correlation between negative emotions trapped in the mind and the manifestation of pain in the body. I’ve become aware that my habit of keeping fears and emotions locked “safely” inside has contributed to my enduring pains over the years. Putting in the work to release trapped emotions and retrain the mind takes courage. In the words of the wise Loki, “Trying to fix what’s broken is hard. Hope is hard.” Hope…it’s what we crave, but it hinges on effort. So much easier said than done…

Tonight I made myself attend a trap yoga class. Lately with yoga, the invasive heat slamming me in the face has made me feel…trapped. The creaking noise of the door amidst the silence of the room makes me feel like once there, I can’t escape. But I have experienced many healing moments while practicing yoga, and I wanted to give this non-heated class a try. Reaching for the door, I felt surprisingly relaxed. The trap music, black lights, and disco lights set the mood for a grooving evening of restoration. Much of the class time was spent with our gaze to our mats, so naturally I kept observing my shadow looking back at me. Most days I don’t feel that strong, but tonight was different. Look how far you’ve come…look how much you’ve overcome in the last however many difficult and fragmented years…look how strong you’ve become.

Grooving within a yoga space was therapeutic. An unlocking of the hips. Free flowing movement. Shadow work. My favorite part was the sunflower flow. For me, it was a physical representation of resilience, fortitude, and hope…the keys to healing. Rather than looking for an emergency exit, I felt a sense of empowerment, and I hope to emanate that light and energy in the world. Here’s to trusting the process and opening doors with a sense of confidence…